Today I wish to explore the concept of selfishness. In our society we are praised for selfless service to others and encouraged to do it again and again and again. Selflessness is considered a virtue and selfishness is considered a sin. And in theory, it is GOOD to be selfless, after all people need each other for survival and thriving. It is really, really good when we help each other, and I am not arguing this point.

But, I believe it is not so black and white. In our society people, especially women are socialized to be selfless at a cost of their own well-being. And of course there's endless discussion about patriarchy and making women (and men actually) into submissive, serving blocks of a society at a cost of their freedom and authenticity. And that part is NOT ok. Loss of our freedom and authenticity is very beneficial for the ones on the top of the societal pyramid but it is not so beneficial of everyone else. In fact, I believe that much of the suffering in our modern world originates from the loss of freedom and authenticity.

When I think about the times when I was called selfish it was usually when I did something against the norm. For example, one month after my wedding I went on an international trip alone. Yes, I left my husband behind and I was called selfish by my own relatives (interestingly enough, female relatives). The trip had been booked before the wedding, my husband knew about it and he actually was not interested in going where I wanted to go. My husband knew who he was marrying, I wasn't hiding my nature and interests from him, he knew that I liked travelling, so to him it was fine that I went. But other people told me that I was being selfish simply because in their minds I was expected to stay by my husband's side and tend to his needs and desires.

I can think of other examples when I was called selfish and it always involved me saying NO to some expectations, it always involved me doing something that I wanted. Examples are - I don't want to go to that party, or I would prefer to go to a different restaurant, or I will not be joining the volunteering today because I am exhausted, etc, etc.

Why would expressing my preferences and honouring my body signals would be called selfish?

I can not think of an example when I did those things to someones detriment, it didn't hurt anyone by saying no. I didn't step on anyone's throats. I was choosing my own joy and THAT was considered selfish. Me going against the grain was considered selfish.

The word selfish is often used as a synonym of being narcissistic. And everyone is afraid of being perceived as a narcissist. Very convenient whip for the patriarchal pyramid shaped society to keep us all on a short leash. We police each other into submission not even realizing it, having the best intentions.

So, if self-assurance, self-respect, self-preservation and thriving is called selfish, then so be it. In that case, I am going to be selfish and carry it as a badge of honour. Because to me, tending to my needs and following my truth and following my joy are necessary components if I want to live a meaningful, fulfilling life. Each of us KNOW what it means. But we are so trained out of our own knowing that we delegate the knowing to the authorities, the teachers, the leaders, the gurus, whatever. But they can't tell you what you need. Only you know what you need and want. Only you know what is meaningful to you. Only you know what brings you joy. Only you know what you are curious about. Simply because you are one of a kind, you have been created to be unique in the whole Universe, there is not another one of you. So, how can someone tell you what you are all about? It is YOUR job to figure it out.

If I want to thrive in this life I have to learn to trust myself and my inner navigation system more then I have ever trusted anyone outside of me. No matter how much I am called selfish or lazy or stupid or whatever else people want to call me.

By the way, other people are not capable of seeing me (or you) in our true colours, unless they are enlightened and can perceive the reality unobstructed by their own filters of their beliefs and convictions. That's why I often say that what other people think of me is none of my business. What people see is the projections of themselves. The reality that they/ we see is tainted by the filters and limited by the RAS (reticular activating system). Our vision is very limited because our brain can process only a tiny sliver of information that is present. It is a known fact and yet we operate under the assumption that others judgments of us are true, we spend our time and energy curating our behaviour, our words, our expression so that others would like and appreciate us.

So then, if other people's judgments are not important, then what is?

I believe what is important is the relationship of me with me. What I think of me is important. Also, why I think what I think is important. Especially in today's world of outsourcing our own authority to external teachers, leaders and gurus. Self observation and self inquiry is important.

So, I guess, cheers to being selfish! It's an indicator that you are tending to your needs, learning who you are and going against the grain. Be proud of yourself!

Sending you lots of love,

Nataliya