What do you think about the holiday season?

How do you FEEL about the holiday season?

Over the years I have had a lot of different feelings about the holidays. When I was a kid I absolutely loved them, when I moved to Canada I had to go through some adjustment period because in my homeland we celebrate differently, so I had to adjust and create something that works for both myself and my family.

I want to share with you four shifts that will help you in the holiday season and beyond to connect to your own inner peace and create joyful moments.

Here are the four things.

1. Accept the fact that you can't change other people.

2. What other people think of you is none of your business.

3. Take radical responsibility for recognizing and meeting your own needs.

4. Your life - your rules.
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Let's expand on all of those just a little bit.
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1. Accept the fact that you can't change other people and let go of all the attempts to control them. I know that it can be a very, very difficult thing to do because our society is built on concepts of control, but if you want inner peace, you will have to let that shit go. If uncle Jim wants to believe that the Earth is flat, there's nothing you can do to convince him otherwise. If Auntie Josie wants to judge your outfit, there's nothing you can do to stop her. So again, let go of trying to make them like you, let go of trying to convince them, let go of trying to make them happy. You CAN NOT because we all have a free will and therefore have to make our own choices and decisions.

2. What other people think of you is none of your business regardless whether those thoughts are "good" or "bad". Related to the first point. If you can't control them, why worry about it? It is a waste of your precious energy. Even if you wear the outfit that is supposed to please Auntie Josie, she will still find something to complain about. You do you and let her do whatever she wants to. The most important thing is what YOU think about you and the relationship you have with yourself. This is the ONLY thing that matters. Truly. Accepting the simple truth will free incredible amounts of your energy and will give you instant inner peace. Try it.

3. Take responsibility for recognising and meeting your own needs. And it doesn't mean that you have to be in a total hyper independent mode, that is not what I am saying at all. First of all, hyper independence is unrealistic, we don't live in a vacuum, we are not meant to sustain ourselves completely alone. People need each other, and I think the most healthy thing to do for us all is learn interdependence.

So, what do I mean by "take responsibility for your own needs"? That means you find a way to meet your needs without placing demands on other people around you. That means you also drop demands from yourself too if necessary.

For example, these days spouses are kind of expected to be your lover, your best friend, your companion and so many other things. They are expected to be EVERYTHING. And also, you place the same demand on yourself - you have to be everything for your partner too. Right?

But is it realistic? Can one person truly be everything all the time? I don't think so. We are not robots. Sometimes you can't listen to your spouse patiently because you are at your capacity yourself and you too need to feel heard. If you are at the end of your wits, it is unreasonable to expect you to do even more emotional labour, you already reached your limit. So, how do you meet your own needs in this case? You look for someone who HAS the capacity, ability and desire to listen with compassion. It could be your friend, or it could be a therapist or a coach. It could be a barman or a lamppost. The point is to find a way to identify what you need and then being resourceful about how that need can be met.

I hear voices that say "but this is so SELFISH"! Sure, call it selfish. And you are still the only one who is responsible to recognise and make sure that your needs are met. As much as we want people around us to be psychic and just know by default what we need, it's an unrealistic, unreasonable expectation and sets you up for failure from the get go.

4. Your life - your rules. Make the holiday season suit you. As per previous point, take full responsibility for your own holidays, yes, the same rule applies even if you have a huge family gathering to attend. If there are a lot of people attending, you will need to exercise some boundary holding and awareness too. But you can get ready for it all. Decide what you want to FEEL first and then work to create an environment to feel that way.

Notice everything that is not on your "feel good agenda" and simply walk away. Don't give it any of your attention. Remember, where your attention goes, energy flows. The more you focus on your Uncle Joe's annoying comments, the more of them you will get and the further away from peace and joy you will be. Why don't you find your cousin Ellie instead and make a game out of it? Dr. Martha Beck recommends holiday bingo as one of the ways to withstand the holiday season. In that game you and friends make a list of all the annoying things you are anticipating happening and then whoever gets to record the defined amount of those things happening in real life first, wins and takes all other participating friends for lunch. Anyway, the point is that you become the Observer, like a scientist in a laboratory. From that space you kind of WANT the "bad" things to happen because you want to win the game.

If reading this you think "it's impossible" then you might be hanging out in the Karpman Drama Triangle, which is such a common place to be in our culture.

Just a quick overview, Karpman Triangle is the dynamics consisting of Victim, Perpetrator and Saviour. Let's say Uncle Joe yells at you for having a different view on politics, you feel like a victim because he is accusing you for all the wrongs in the world simply because you don't share his beliefs and your mom rushes into the rescue telling Uncle Joe to back off.
BUT you don't have to be stuck there, in the Karpman Triangle. You can flip it! It's called Empowerment Dynamics, if you are curious, invented by David Emerald. In short, you flip the roles. The Perpetrator becomes the Challenger, the Saviour becomes a Coach and the Victim becomes the Creator.

In our earlier example, Uncle Joe still yells trying to impose his views onto you, i.e. he is challenging you. But your mom instead of telling your Uncle to back off turns to you and reminds you that you don't have to "bite the hook". She stays calm and reminds you that you have choices and asks you something like "what are you going to do with all this? What are you going to create?" And you, the Creator remember that you have more options than to drop into a fight or flight response. You actually have plenty of things you can do. You can continue the conversation and present the counter arguments (it never really works, but it's one of the options), you can walk away, you can turn it all into a joke, you can make a sarcastic comment, you can stop paying attention to him, you can change the topic and I bet you can think of million other things you can do.

Notice that it is only possible to think of a million options if you manage to remain calm, the moment you drop into fight/ flight response the game is over.

Remember, where your attention goes - energy flows. Your attention is your most precious thing (and that's why everyone out there is fighting for it). Your body is not yours, it will return to the Earth sooner or later. The only thing that is truly yours is your ATTENTION and you are the only one who has the power to direct it one way or the other.

And with this, I hope you stay in the Creator mode this holiday season and beyond.

With love,

Nataliya

P.S.

• Give yourself a gift of drama free holiday! Get you Holiday Boundary Upgrade session here. If you need more than one session to detangle the expectations and obligations, get the bundle .
• Get 1:1 coaching with me! Book your Discovery Call​
• Get my chair yoga course here. A great gift of wellness to your grandparents or a friend who has mobility issues.
• If you feel like sending me a gift, use this link.